This essay is way too uniform. I have no idea what grade you are in, but this is so middle school. Break away from the uniformity by not doing something so obvious. It’s possible to write an amazing essay without using the uniform three.

For another thing, it’s long and rambling. Sometimes when writing an essay, especially with a topic like this, you want to be short and right to the point. If you had a serious topic, like abortion or something controversial, it could get away with being longer, but since you’re not arguing any points and you’re just explaining something, an essay like this is better left short.

Don’t ever use the word "thing" in an essay. It is too vague. Don’t do nothing, something, thing, anything…ect…

Always spell out your numbers in an essay.

Never use contractions in a formal piece of writing.

Avoid qualifiers in an essay. Do not say apparently, that sounds too hesitant. In any formal piece of writing, you want to speak as if you are sure that you know what you’re talking about. Really is also a qualifier. Any words that emphasizes your point such as very, really, actually, ect…is a qualifier. If you want to make it known, use a stronger synonym of the word in which you tried to use a qualifier on.

I also believe that adverbs (like quickly) in an essay are pointless.

All in all, this essay needs serious trimming and you need to break out of the uniform three. If you’re in high school, you would be wise to start doing that. It is possible to break out of the uniform three. Back when I was in the 8th grade, one of the biggest reasons I scored perfect on my writing exam was because I broke out of the uniform three, and no one taught me how to do it. In fact, they drilled the uniform three in our heads, but I knew there was something wrong with it because it made all the essays the same.\

EDIT: The hook is what catches the reader’s attention. It’s the first sentence of your essay. The uniform three is just that: three supporting points with three supporting paragraphs on those points. I think your teacher will be even more impressed if you mentioned those three points without being so uniform.
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